Something Blue…

Tomorrow is my wedding day!

In a perfect world, I’d likely be in a proverbial mushroom cloud of anxiety hoping everything would be exactly as I seen it in my head.

Instead, I’m on my living room couch…writing.

Thanks to what I call “Ms. Rona”…tomorrow will come and go and I still will not have seen the manifestation of all the hard work I put into making May 16, 2020 beautifully memorable.

Since March, when Anthony and I found out we’d need to postpone our wedding, I’ve gone through an onslaught of emotions. I went from being flat out sad to excited that I’d have more time to perfect every detail, to small fits of to shaming myself for caring so much. But through it all I’ve learned I’m not crazy – I was (and am) grieving.

The 5 Steps of Grieving
Step 1 – Shock
Step 2 – Denial
Step 3 – Bargaining
Step 4 – Anger/Depression
Step 5 – Acceptance

During a worldwide pandemic when people are losing lives and loved ones…how can I have the audacity to be grieving a wedding? Because grieving is not reserved for death only – it is for anything that feels like a loss. And that’s exactly what I’m going through – a loss. Maybe not a total loss of a wedding but the loss of what hoped May 16th would be. And it’s a lot more painful than I anticipated. But just as my bestie (and MOH) told me yesterday “it’s going to be hard and you’re allowed to feel every feeling that comes”…I intend to allow myself to do just that. Feel.

I will let every tear flow without guilt.
I will eat too many carbs (just for the day – lol).
I will snicker at my own sarcastic remarks about how Ms. Rona killed my wedding.
I will vent.
I will mope a bit.
I will not suppress anything.
I will also be ok.

But to my awesomely awesome fiance’ who has selflessly embarked on every up and down with me, thank you. To my two besties, my mom and Ciara, thank you for listening and letting me vent about everything. You’ve all have constantly reminded me just how blessed I am even in the midst of every let down and outburst. God knew what He was doing when he game me each of you!

And to any Covid Bride that may be approaching a not-so wedding day…know you’re allowed to grieve!
Don’t let any version of “at least you’re healthy” or “there are bigger things to be concerned with” or “at least you can still get married later” rob you of the reality of what you feel – loss.
But keep in mind…you’ll get to step 5 – acceptance, and eventually see the beauty in this part our love stories.

We’ll all get to “ok” and when our weddings actually come…I think it’s safe to avoid the “something blue”.

Keep shining!
-Jess

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